Time for 'The Talk'
The time for the talk has probably come. Put it off if you will, hope the schools will take care of this parental duty, or walk on the wild side and hope your child have been educated by their friends -- your nightly ritual will soon be interrupted by the meekest voice your teenager has within them to ask:
"Mom and Dad, how are we paying for college?"
If the idea of this conversation scares you, consider the alternative -- do you really want them not to know?
This talk needs to be timed just right. With all students have to do in 9th and 10th grade, talking to them about FAFSAs and 529 accounts may take their eye off the academic ball. Then again, if your junior is about to put their first list of 6-8 colleges together, they need to know which ones are affordable (the list needs at least two of these), and which ones will depend on more help from the financial aid office.
>> PAST COLUMNS: Summer reading
>> PAST COLUMNS: Don't name that college
>> PAST COLUMNS: The best high school you can go to
>> PAST COLUMNS: There is a bigger picture to consider
>> PAST COLUMNS: Back to our regularly scheduled schedule
Over-rehearsed "conversations" can lead to too much technical jargon ("Zero Coupon Bonds? Dude, I'm outta here!"), but you also want a discussion that doesn't leave you looking like a fiscal bonehead. Try this approach:
* Tell your child how proud you are of them. A good college search is centered on the wonderful person your child is-not on how wonderful their grades are, or how wonderful it will be to brag at the club or pub about the full ride scholarship they got. This is about them the person-and showing them your support and recognition is pivotal.
* Let them know you want to help with their college search. It could be your child has shown no interest in visiting colleges because they think you're too busy-even if you are, tell them you will find a way to help them scope out their next home. Take the search process for granted, and they may feel you are taking them for granted.
* Give them some idea what you can pay for college. This will require research; Web sites like www.collegeboard.com will tell you the costs of many colleges, and a site like www.finaid.org has a college cost calculator that estimates the part you'll pay. You can also find out how much financial aid a college gives to most students by calling them and asking; many colleges have a lot of money to give, so don't be afraid to ask.
* Discuss dollar amounts, not colleges. If you start by saying "We can afford to send you to Western State U", your child will hear "this is where you're going to college." Talk about a dollar amount first; if your child asks if you can afford College X and you don't know, tell them you'll find out-then call the financial aid office and see where things lie.
* If you have no money saved for college, say so-and then get busy. Ask at work or your child's school for a good financial planner, and check your state government Web site for other information. Share the plan's progress with your child-and be sure to let them know what their role will be in terms of work, loans, and so forth.
Finally, be flexible. Rules, resources, and rates for college tuition change every year with no particular pattern. You can't shield your child from every surprise, but letting them know early where things stand and establishing a sense of team in the journey that is college will keep your goals and relationship humming like-well, like the birds and the bees.
About Patrick O'Connor
Patrick O'Connor is the Director of College Counseling at The Roeper School in Birmingham and the author of "College Is Yours in 600 Words or Less." You can contact him through his web site at www.collegeisyours.com.
